I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
