i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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