so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
