gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
