The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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