you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
