Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
