This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
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He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
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I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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