Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
