I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
