i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
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Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
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It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.