Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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