God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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