I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
