Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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