I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
