Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
