The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
