fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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