I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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