I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Im part way to drunk.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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