Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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