I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
