thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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