she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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