If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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