she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I don't deserve a penis
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
