Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
