You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
