god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
