glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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