I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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