Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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