I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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