Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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