I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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