it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
