I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
