he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
