I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
