Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
