U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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