ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
