I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
