OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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