Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
