we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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