This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
