Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
