Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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