Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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