He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
