Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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