Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
