I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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