Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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