It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
