i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
