tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just invented taco cereal.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
